Happy April Fool's Day!

In my opinion:

I would have made a much better Luke Skywalker. Just sayin'...

Even a Fancypants isn't immune from hard times:

The above is my uncle Chet. He used to be an investment broker on Wall Street for Lehman Brothers until the economy tanked around '08. He used to be quite a wealthy man, but unfortunately the economic downturn wiped out his entire portfolio. Last I heard he was sniffing glue in an alley on the Lower West Side. One of my investigators caught up with him and snapped this photo. I don't know what else to say, it's just so sad. Well, at least it's not me....

I don't know what she sees in it, but whatever...

My wife got back from the scrapbook convention on Monday. She took the above pics with her digital. Scrapbooking must be a chick thing, because of all the pics she took there wasn't one guy in the group. My wife often expresses disappointment that I never join her, but there's no way I'd ever be caught at one of those...

It's a tough job, but it's rewarding:

I never mentioned this, but I'm a volunteer firefighter. I've been at it for a few years now. Yes it's dangerous and at times I ask myself if it's really worth it, but I can't begin to describe the feeling one gets when lives are brought back from the brink of destruction.... The above is a pic of myself taken just last weekend. Seems one of our undocumented kitchen help left the stove unattended, and while she was making the eggs benedict the burner ignited the imported lace curtains. I'm not wearing a shirt because it caught on fire and burned off as I was being lowered through the window. My "employee" almost burned to death, but I grabbed her in my thick strong arms and carried her out of the room to safety. I'd go further into detail, but then it would seem like bragging and you know I'm not one to brag or even fabricate a story to make myself look better....

I just hate riding alone:

My wife is at a scrapbook convention for the rest of the week, so I invited a mutual friend over until the day before she gets home. She likes to ride. She's great company if I do say so myself..

I'm not bragging, I'm just saying it like it was:

I never told you this, because as you know I'm not one to brag, but I'm an accomplished ballet dancer. I started as a young lad, and danced right up until a couple of years ago. The above is a publicity still that I submitted to the Boston Ballet when I auditioned for The Nutcracker. Naturally I passed the audition and scored the lead. My performance was so over the top, that I brought the house down. Damn I'm good.....

It REALLY should have been her:

Not only was my Great Great Great Grandmother Sarah a model for artists, but she was also an actress. She was originally cast for the lead in the film adaptation for "The Sound Of Music". They had even printed the movie posters (above), but at the last minute they hired Julie Andrews for the role (not my sister Julie Andrews, but the famous actress). Apparently the corporate brass owed Julie a favor. Well, that's how it is in Hollywood, I'm afraid..

Hey it relaxes me:

Early in the morning, just before I go mountain climbing, I like to relax and just do a little meditation. Here I am "centering myself" on our own private beach in Martha's Vineyard. It's been in the family for generations. When my father passed away it was deeded to me. My cousin Cletus really wanted it, and he was quite disappointed when he found out I was going to inherit it. Oh well, life never asks us what we want. Especially if you're Cletus..

Hey it was an honest mistake:

Several years ago, while I was in Fort Lauderdale for Spring Break, I had a bit of a run-in with "the law". I had dined at Applebee's for lunch with my accountant, and then we went to the beach. It just so turned out that each of us thought the other had paid. Well, didn't I feel silly when I was escorted to the back of a police cruiser. When I told him what happened, we all had a good laugh indeed. Then I fired my accountant..

Damn raccoons:

Lately we've been having a bit of raccoon trouble here at Fancypants Manor. Seems that some raccoons found a way to get into the carriage house and eat all the caviar. We hired a local exterminator but he was unable to get them, so as always I ended up having to do it myself. Naturally I caught them all. With my bare hands. Pictured above is the largest raccoon of the group. When they were all rounded up we shot them and donated the meat to the local orphanage. We told them it was chicken - not that they would have minded, they'll eat anything.

If I hadn't been there, I probably wouldn't believe it either:

During my tenure at NASA, right after we had constructed the low-income housing units on Uranus, we were contracted to construct an International House Of Pancakes on Mars. I posted a pic just so you wouldn't think I was fabricating the story (I wasn't wearing my helmet at the time, because it was such a beautiful day, and to be honest that helmet tended to mat down my hair. Plus, wearing the helmet made me tend to feel a little claustrophobic). Progress went pretty smoothly on the construction, but  it was a bit of a learning experience for me as I'd never built a restaurant building before. I had always specialized in luxury housing. There was one glitch though: we had a 6-month delay because the supply pod had forgotten to include the menus. Well naturally there are no print shops on Mars, so we had to wait for another supply pod to arrive. I should have inspected the original pod myself, but I was so busy with my responsibilities it just didn't happen. You know how the old saying goes: "if you want something done right, do it yourself". The woman in the foreground was our original hostess, but unfortunately we had to let her go because she kept telling the patrons about all her medical ailments. When she started telling one of the Corporate Executives about her recent colonoscopy, I knew it was time to give her the pink slip...

Random:

When I ride, I don't wear a helmet. That's just how I roll.

Lily Tomlin said it best:

You're never alone when you're near a phone.

I just love a good workout:

I've always been big into exercise, and staying physically fit. I'm also a personal trainer at Gold's Gym, and it was I who developed the "Wolverine Workout". I'm not bragging, I'm just saying it like it is. Above is one of my recent cover shots on Muscle & Fitness magazine. Just a side-note, but the chick on the top corner - forget about it, it'll never happen. She's kind of "too into herself", if you know what I mean..

And all the science I don't understand. It's just my job 5 days a week.

I'm not sure if I told you, but I used to work part time for NASA as an astronaut (above was my official portrait). I also used to donate my time to Habitat For Humanity, so I combined the two and spent a few years helping to construct low-income housing on Uranus (of course, we all used to joke and pronounce it "yer anus" - as in: "I'm installing some grout in yer anus"). I built several townhouses, and my expertise was designing the master baths. I must say that I had a bit of difficulty installing the marble flooring, but for the most part things went fairly smoothly. I've long since retired from NASA, although I have to admit that sometimes I really miss that job.

I'm just a natural at it. But what else is new:

Not only do I llike to hunt squirrels, but I also like to take my cousin Cletus fishing in the family lake: Lake Fancypants, and do a little fishing. We don't use rods, however. No my friends, we use our own bare hands. The above pic was taken by one of my undocumented personal assistants, because I knew if I didn't post a pic you probably wouldn't believe me.

It's amazing the stuff you find out:

I'm not sure if I told you this, but I'm a huge genealogy buff. I could spend hours studying our family's history. The above is an old photograph of my Great Great Grandfather as a child. His mother was an "entertainer" (although it was never really specified in what capacity), and his father was a pediatrician who made his fortune prescribing opiates to infants to ease their discomfort during their teething phases. Before he knew it, he had built up quite a client list. Of course, today, administering heroin to children is unthinkable, but back in his day nobody thought twice about it. Later on in life he would often express remorse about how he made his fortune, but between you and me, I basically felt the remorse was "disingenuous" at best...

She wanted a fur coat:

A few weeks ago it was my wife's birthday. I asked her what she wanted, and she said "a fur coat". Naturally I assumed she wanted chinchilla or mink, but she informed me that she wanted polar bear. Well, of course you can't just walk into Macy's and order a polar bear coat, so I flew one of my several private jets to Alaska and got one for myself. The above is a pic that my undocumented personal servant took. Sure it's hard wrestling a polar bear for its coat in the Alaskan wilderness with your own bare hands and a stun gun, but it's a thousand times harder living with a spoiled socialite who doesn't get her way....

So brave, so strong:

I would like to introduce to you my twin sister Julie. She was a cover girl in her heyday, and still graces the covers of various geriatric magazines from time to time.
Julie married Martin Andrews, who owned a chain of slaughterhouses Nationwide. Unfortunately, Martin passed away several years ago in a horrible cattle revolt (apparantly one of the undocumented employees accidentally left the gate open. The bulls saw an open door and just decided to go for it. Needless to say you can't blame the bulls for wanting to make a break for it. I guess they figured there were a hundred of them and only one Martin, so the math was definitely on their side that day). Julie never re-married, and is still suffering from the loss. She also used to sing professionally, but since Martin's untimely passing she hasn't been able to sing a note. Emotional trauma, I guess. She also seems to have a bit of trouble these days applying her makeup, as is the case above (I tried to tell her but you just can't tell her anything).
Julie now counsels other women who found themselves recently widowed, so I guess out of the bad some good usually comes. We still keep in touch every week, we'll always be close.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I'll be okay:

Yesterday I had a bit of an accident. I was skydiving, and 10 feet before I hit the ground my parachute ripped open. I plunged to the earth below and landed on a huge patch of poison ivy and stinging nettles. Yes, life's one big friggin' bag of awesome.

How rude of me:

If there's one social flaw of mine it's that I find myself talking about me all the time. So, ladies and gentlemen (although Dr. Theda seems to be the only person who reads this blog of mine) I would like to introduce you all to my wife Natalie. She was actually my high school sweetheart, and we married soon after graduation. I painted the portrait myself. With finger paints. She enjoys equestrian activities and scrap booking. We generally do everything together, but whenever she feels like going to a scrap book convention I usually bow out and let her go with her girlfriends. I've always been the jealous type, and part of me is always a little uneasy because we all know how wild the girls can get during those scrapbook conventions...

Yes money can buy anything:

I love skiing but ski resorts really aren't my "thing", so this past weekend I went to Aspen and bought a mountain. I'd tell you where it is, but my legal counsel has advised me against doing so at this time. Even though I have more money than I can count (although it's not really me who counts it. I have "people" who do that for me) I hate paying admissions. I haven't been skiing in ages, and although I was a bit rusty, I had a grand time. Yes, life is good when you can buy your own mountain, although the novelty wore off long ago since I own so many...

A little bit about me:

One of my favorite activities is skydiving. I've been doing it since I was an infant. I knew you wouldn't believe me, so I had a friend take the above pic so I could post it (actually, I'm skydiving right now, as I type out this post. I've always been great at multitasking).

Everyone needs a hobby:

One of my favorite pastimes is that I like to head out into the back 30,000 with a buddy and go squirrel hunting. I live near a nuclear power plant (okay so I own it) and because of all the radioactive "leakage" the squirrels around here get huge from eating the radioactive acorns. Above is one of my latest kills. I donated the meat to a local orphanage, I don't just hunt for the sport of it. I have my principles.

It's SO hard to find good help these days:

I would like to show you all my winter home. It was built by my Great Grandfather for his new bride, but unfortunately stone houses really weren't her "thing", so he eventually deeded the house over to my Grandfather, who in turn deeded the house to my father and eventually it was given to me. You'll notice the people sitting on the benches in the background, they're my undocumented kitchen help. It never fails: you turn your back on them for one minute and already they're loafing.

I'm definitely a morning person:

You've never been to our estate, but behind the Fancypants mansion is a 30,000 acre preserve. It's been in our family for generations. In the morning I like to climb the tallest of our mountains and do my yoga stretches, then I'm ready for the day. I tried going a day or two without and I really noticed a difference - I just felt "out of sorts" and not myself. Yes, it's hard to break old routines for sure.

You keep your mind on the money, keeping your eye on the wall.

In my opinion, life as an exotic dancer isn't as glamorous as they make it out to be. Just sayin'..

Well I certainly didn't do it for the money:

During college, I took a part time job at Sea World as a waterskier. Actually my supervisor had seen me waterski off the back of the family yacht, and I was so good at it she practically begged me to take the job. I told her I'd take it only if I was able to snag the top of the pyramid (nobody in the Fancypants family takes second place). I did it for about a year. Above is a pic my supervisor took from the back of the boat. Yes, sometimes I really miss that job.

Damn I'm good:

Even though I'm not one to brag, I often compete in marathon races. Seldom do I lose, or even come in second. The above is an unaltered pic of myself winning the 2009 Boston marathon. It was a piece of cake, really. I barely broke a sweat, but then again I seldom do. Sweating's really not my "thing"...