So brave, so strong:

I would like to introduce to you my twin sister Julie. She was a cover girl in her heyday, and still graces the covers of various geriatric magazines from time to time.
Julie married Martin Andrews, who owned a chain of slaughterhouses Nationwide. Unfortunately, Martin passed away several years ago in a horrible cattle revolt (apparantly one of the undocumented employees accidentally left the gate open. The bulls saw an open door and just decided to go for it. Needless to say you can't blame the bulls for wanting to make a break for it. I guess they figured there were a hundred of them and only one Martin, so the math was definitely on their side that day). Julie never re-married, and is still suffering from the loss. She also used to sing professionally, but since Martin's untimely passing she hasn't been able to sing a note. Emotional trauma, I guess. She also seems to have a bit of trouble these days applying her makeup, as is the case above (I tried to tell her but you just can't tell her anything).
Julie now counsels other women who found themselves recently widowed, so I guess out of the bad some good usually comes. We still keep in touch every week, we'll always be close.

Please don't feel sorry for me. I'll be okay:

Yesterday I had a bit of an accident. I was skydiving, and 10 feet before I hit the ground my parachute ripped open. I plunged to the earth below and landed on a huge patch of poison ivy and stinging nettles. Yes, life's one big friggin' bag of awesome.

How rude of me:

If there's one social flaw of mine it's that I find myself talking about me all the time. So, ladies and gentlemen (although Dr. Theda seems to be the only person who reads this blog of mine) I would like to introduce you all to my wife Natalie. She was actually my high school sweetheart, and we married soon after graduation. I painted the portrait myself. With finger paints. She enjoys equestrian activities and scrap booking. We generally do everything together, but whenever she feels like going to a scrap book convention I usually bow out and let her go with her girlfriends. I've always been the jealous type, and part of me is always a little uneasy because we all know how wild the girls can get during those scrapbook conventions...

Yes money can buy anything:

I love skiing but ski resorts really aren't my "thing", so this past weekend I went to Aspen and bought a mountain. I'd tell you where it is, but my legal counsel has advised me against doing so at this time. Even though I have more money than I can count (although it's not really me who counts it. I have "people" who do that for me) I hate paying admissions. I haven't been skiing in ages, and although I was a bit rusty, I had a grand time. Yes, life is good when you can buy your own mountain, although the novelty wore off long ago since I own so many...

A little bit about me:

One of my favorite activities is skydiving. I've been doing it since I was an infant. I knew you wouldn't believe me, so I had a friend take the above pic so I could post it (actually, I'm skydiving right now, as I type out this post. I've always been great at multitasking).

Everyone needs a hobby:

One of my favorite pastimes is that I like to head out into the back 30,000 with a buddy and go squirrel hunting. I live near a nuclear power plant (okay so I own it) and because of all the radioactive "leakage" the squirrels around here get huge from eating the radioactive acorns. Above is one of my latest kills. I donated the meat to a local orphanage, I don't just hunt for the sport of it. I have my principles.

It's SO hard to find good help these days:

I would like to show you all my winter home. It was built by my Great Grandfather for his new bride, but unfortunately stone houses really weren't her "thing", so he eventually deeded the house over to my Grandfather, who in turn deeded the house to my father and eventually it was given to me. You'll notice the people sitting on the benches in the background, they're my undocumented kitchen help. It never fails: you turn your back on them for one minute and already they're loafing.

I'm definitely a morning person:

You've never been to our estate, but behind the Fancypants mansion is a 30,000 acre preserve. It's been in our family for generations. In the morning I like to climb the tallest of our mountains and do my yoga stretches, then I'm ready for the day. I tried going a day or two without and I really noticed a difference - I just felt "out of sorts" and not myself. Yes, it's hard to break old routines for sure.

You keep your mind on the money, keeping your eye on the wall.

In my opinion, life as an exotic dancer isn't as glamorous as they make it out to be. Just sayin'..

Well I certainly didn't do it for the money:

During college, I took a part time job at Sea World as a waterskier. Actually my supervisor had seen me waterski off the back of the family yacht, and I was so good at it she practically begged me to take the job. I told her I'd take it only if I was able to snag the top of the pyramid (nobody in the Fancypants family takes second place). I did it for about a year. Above is a pic my supervisor took from the back of the boat. Yes, sometimes I really miss that job.

Damn I'm good:

Even though I'm not one to brag, I often compete in marathon races. Seldom do I lose, or even come in second. The above is an unaltered pic of myself winning the 2009 Boston marathon. It was a piece of cake, really. I barely broke a sweat, but then again I seldom do. Sweating's really not my "thing"...